(What I wish I could tell my family member to explain some of my struggles)
Poem by Dana L. Young
I feel like we are on 2 opposing sides
Of socializing.
You cling to the idea of being surrounded by loving family.
You pull me towards your web of extrovertedness and assertiveness.
You pull me into your suffocating world of long conversations and overwhelming emotions.
You grip and yank at me, keeping me bound
To you.
Bound to being social with you.
I push away as if it’s an object I refuse to be near.
As if just the thought of socializing could…
Break me.
You don’t understand this tug of war isn’t a game that I feel I can win.
By denying you my time and space I feel
Like I’m robbing you of your own joy and satisfaction.
Yet I feel like I’m drowning, submerged in a form of quicksand.
Not able to move or breathe.
sinking, sinking.
Inwardly crying out for you to hear me but afraid to say the words.
To let you know that socializing drains me.
Drains me faster than off brand, cheaply made batteries.
And drains me faster than an app running in the background of a phone.
I need resets, refreshes and relaxation
Just to keep going.
I’m operating on an outdated system.
My brain is shutting down, playing
On autopilot, replaying archived conversations.
Speaking without thought, sound or emotion.
Knowing that neither of us wins, really.
You successfully pull me into your solo social circle.
But you lose too because I’m only halfway present.
This social game of tug of war has no winners.
Poem by Dana Young
Poetic Blueprint 